As I return to my authentic style and way of writing, I am aware of a focus and excitement within me.  I can't wait to write!  I realize that I am risking a lot by showing up here like I know I have to, need to, and want to.  Yet it is a risk that I must take, for otherwise I am silenced.

Someone recently gave me book called Peace Pilgrim, about a woman who called herself Peace Pilgrim, devoted her life to service, left her material possessions behind, and walked more than 25,000 miles for peace.  Included with the book is a little pamphlet called "Steps Toward Inner Peace" and Peace Pilgrim actually encourages us to reprint any part or the whole of the book and specifically states that the book is not copyrighted.  A very different way to be in the world, wouldn't you say?

I have been reading short snippets from this pamphlet right before I go to sleep.  Her first preparation for taking a step toward peace is to "Assume right attitudes toward life" which she further explains by stating, "Stop being an escapist or a surface-liver…Face life squarely and get down below the froth of its surface to discover its verities and realities."  These words have been reverberating in my soul ever since I first read them.  My whole calling has been to go deep and to "get down below the froth", and yet somehow, I still hover at the surface of my life.  

Afraid to take the plunge.  Afraid to risk losing everything and everyone I hold dear.  Afraid of my own shadow. Afraid of my own power.

My decision and commitment to descend to the Dark Goddess is my sacred action to "get down below the froth of its surface to discover its verities and realities." 

And perhaps this just may be my path to peace, true deep inner peace.

I am challenged to write this blog.  I know how I write best, which is immediate, personal and intimate.  When I write any other way, I become twisted up into knots and end up not writing.

And if I do keep writing, it become a labor, rather than an authentic expression.  I try to be more factual, informational, and erudite.  I feel as though I have to bring in sources, examples, and explanations.  I then get lost in my own words, and lose the thread of what I am writing about.

Some people in my life have expressed their concern that my writing is too personal, too revealing, too close to home.  And so I have removed those pages that have threatened people close to me.  I meant no harm in what I wrote, yet it was taken as criticism and blame.  I felt so bad that I had written anything that could be construed in such a way to hurt someone that I immediately deleted those posts to "protect" those people who had criticized my writing.

Yet, in the process of protecting and honoring them, I inadvertently shut the door on myself and my sharing  through my writing of my journeys - both inner and outer.  I can feel the threat of being too personal, too intimate, too immediate, and mostly, too revealing. 

So I don't write.  Or if I do, I keep it to myself, and put it into files, or the Cloud, so that some day, one day I may use what I have written.

But this is not how I write best.  I love to write in blog form.  It works for me to feel as though I am writing to someone who may read what I have written.  Even as I write this, I realize no one may even read what I have written, and that's okay!  This is how I need and want to write, as though someone may read what I write, and hopefully, that they receive a gift of insight, support, example, being able to relate, or a nudge to take the next step on their journey.  

So it's time for me to cross the threshold and write.  Write, and write some more.  To share with you my journey.  I can tell you, it's not always smooth and pretty, easy and joyful.  The outer pilgrimages I am called to take catalyze a deep inner journey that is, quite honestly, much more difficult and challenging than the outer journey.  These inner journeys - the true spiral path - makes the physical pilgrimages look easy in comparison.

I have been home now from my pilgrimage to and around Glastonbury for over two months, and I have never felt so unsettled, challenged, stuck and ill-at-ease within myself.  It is very challenging to know how to move forward, to root myself back home with my family when a part of me wants to root over in England, especially in Cornwall and Glastonbury. One foot in each of these sacred places - one foot in Cornwall, the land of my father and his Celtic ancestors; the other foot in Glastonbury and the land of my mother and her ancestors.  

Instead of moving forward, I am actually being called down and in.  Believe me, I have tried to move forward.  On to the next thing.  The next pilgrimage.  The next class.  The next offering.  And the only place I feel any resonance with is down and in.  So I am going on an inner journey to meet my Self.  Down on a journey of descent to meet and connect with my soul.

Nothing has worked to go forward.  The only direction that has any pull for me is down.  So when a Facebook friend invited her friend to join her on a 21 Day Sadhana journey to meet the Dark Goddess, I knew my answer was yes.  Filled with trepidation and wondering if my naiveté was getting the better of me, I still knew that my answer was a wholehearted, full-bodied yes.  And as I began my journey with her and her small group, I came across an amazing book called Journey to the Dark Goddess - How to Return to Your Soul by Jane Meredith.   
www.janemeredith.com

In this rich book, Meredith outlines the map of the journey to the Dark Goddess, with its Preparation, Descent, Being In, Ascent and Integration.  I knew that this book and even the 21 day sadhana were providing me with the container, directions and map for a journey that I have resisted my whole life.  It is as though I have been stuck at the threshold for as long as I can remember, terrified to take the step in and down into the darkness of my own being.

Before I left for England in June, I had a Soul Fire Session with Sera Beak www.serabeak.com.  The essence of the gift I received from this session was that I had to put as much time into planning and mapping my inner journey as I do my outer pilgrimages, and journey to my inner sacred sites.  

And so here I am, nearly six months later, being presented and invited into a descent that I had no idea at the time I would take.  Even now, as I begin my preparations for this inner journey, I feel a lightness and a rightness to go down and meet the Dark Goddess.  A lightness that supports and holds me as I prepare to descend into the darkness.  The paradox - the gift from Spirit that confirms the next step in front of me to take.

This is what I have to write about…this journey into the unknown, the unknowable.  And to write authentically, personally, and intimately, I have to risk being too personal, too intimate, too immediate.  Please bear with me as I risk this, for in this journey, I will find my voice.  Wow. Divine typo just happened.  As I typed "voice", the word "void" appeared.  As I write, I will find my void and emerge through it with my wholeness.

Thank you for reading this and thank you for allowing me this space to share my journey with you. 

Solvitur Ambulando.

With love In love As Love For Love.

Ultreya.

The first Full Moon Candlelight Labyrinth Walk was Tuesday night.  It was a breezy night that was warm enought to be outside comfortably, yet was too windy for the luminaria to be lit.  So we again used white Christmas lights to light the path, and we held our own inner light to guide us on the spiral path.

7 women showed up to walk.  We walked in silence, except when we spoke our question out loud as we entered the labyrinth.  Using information on tonight's full moon from Power Path, we each chose a "Full Moon" card with a timely question on it for this particular moon.

6 Questions:

• What brings you joy?
• What feeds you spiritually?
• What needs expansion and more inspiration?
• What do you need to let go of?
• What do you still need to adjust and revise and modify
• What needs expansion and more inspiration?

Each of chose a "full moon" card with one of these questions on it and of course, each of the questions were chosen.  As often happens in a circle, we chose all the questions between us.  It was powerful to hear each question spoken out loud as we each entered the labyrinth.  I knew that I was hearing the question both for the woman walking and for myself, and it provided a stronger context with which to hold the sacred space as we each walked.

My question was "What needs expansion and more inspiration?"

I love the practice of asking an open-ended and powerful question like this.  To ask with no presumption or expectation of the answer.  To simple ask the question, and in this case, to walk the question.  What needs expansion and more inspiration? 

As I walked toward the center, I connected with my love of the labyrinth, my love of walking, my love of sacred walking.  What brings me joy is to walk with the Sacred.  To walk a sacred path.  To invite others to walk a sacred path with me.  To walk a sacred path in community.

To walk a sacred path is a deceptively simple act.  We walk.  Yet we walk with intention and purpose.  This is where the magic happens and the simple act of walking becomes a profound practice and prayer.  One doesn't even have to walk with seriousness, or even be quiet and "spiritual".  One can, especially in a labyrinth, where the walk is shorter and more focused and contained. 

We enjoyed a cup of tea in our room along with a McVities chocolate biscuit before heading into town for a stroll as well as a visit to the Abbey.  I love visiting sacred places in the beautiful light of late afternoon.  Most of the shops were closing but as they are all tempting with their Green Man paintings, lovely cards, and gorgeous clothing, I was grateful for the opportunity to window shop only!  After a cider and a basket on delicious onion rings at the old pub, The Geroge and the Pilgrim, we ventured into the empty grounds of the Abbey.  Serene, quiet, vibrant, nourishing.  Beebe and I ventured off on our own, to explore the sacred grounds, each in our own way.  I lay on the ground, soaking in the energy from the earth.  I walked into the grove of trees where the badgers live.  I knew it was a good place because the trees were happy, the birds were singing and the green energies of life and love were abundance and radiant.  The evening sunlight cast a warm light on to the whole place and I was nourished deep within myself.

Completing our first day with a delicious vegetarian meal of a mushroom crepe, I gratefully climbed into bed with a fullness in my belly and my heart.

Friday morning, June20th

Today is the first day of the Spiral Paths of Cornwall Pilgrimage. I am excited, nervous and very grateful to be here with this extraordinary group of people.

Today we head up to Lelant and experience the Cornish Camino, or St Michael's Way. This 12+ mile path crosses Cornwall at its most narrow point and gave Camino pilgrims from Ireland, Wales, Scotland and northern England a safe passage to the south coast of England on their way to Spain.

We will start our walk at a holy well and then make our way along the coastal path into Carbis Bay before turning inland and walking down toward Penzance. Not sure how many of us will actually walk the full 12 miles. That's not actually the point, This journey is about walking deeply and experiencing an intimacy with ourselves and the land, its legends and its magic.

We will see what gifts the path provides for us today!

Solvitur Ambulando!

Today is Day 100 of my 100 Day Commitment.  I committed to exercising every day for 100 days.  I had to do something for myself and my body that would tone or strengthen it.  Walking didn't count in this personal challenge because I will always walk, and it's not my edge. It's my home.  Exercising - toning, stretching, strengthening - was my edge.


TODAY I CELEBRATE!  I have honored my 100 Day Commitment EVERY SINGLE DAY of the 100 days and have exercised and done something to move, love, enjoy, feel my body!

I am amazed, quite honestly!  When I first saw this challenge on Facebook, as much as I intuitively knew that I had to do it, I also wondered how I would ever make the time, remember, get over my resistance.  I was like, "Yeah. Right."  So I took it one day at a time, with the 100 days as my goal or vision in site all the time.

Honestly, it was like the whole Universe conspired for me to do this and take this on!  I could feel the groundswell of support as I stepped into the powerful Commitment to Self.

On Day 1, I went to a Fitness for Life class, and I have gone back nearly every Monday, Wednesday and Friday since.  Why?  Because the teacher of this class, Jennifer, has been one of my angels since that very first day.  She welcomed me in, asked what she needed to know about me in terms of exercising, and has just so supported me every step of the way!  It felt like she just invited me in more deeply to myself, and gave my resistance nothing to fight with!

I have gone to this Fitness for Life class, but another similar one at a different time.  I have gone to a NIA class, an Ayre dance class, I have used the "Fitness over 50" dvd's.  I have gone to Pilates with Helen.  I have sprinkled in with stretching, a Fit Ball, a little yoga.  Every day for 100 days I have moved, loved, stretched, toned and strengthened my body.

Years ago, I created with my dear friend Sue the acronym of HFTTFS. 
HEALTHY ~ FIT ~ TRIM  ~ TONED ~ FLEXIBLE ~ STRONG.

I am now living into and from that vision of my body being HFTTFS!  WooHoo!

What are the gifts from my taking on the 100 Commitment?

• confidence - I now know that I can exercise, that I can commit to something seemingly impossible and do it!  I can no longer use my body, or being weak as an excuse.  I get to, have to show up now differently than I ever have
  
  • strength - you can feel the toned and strengthened muscles in my legs and arms
    no excuses - it's all about commitment, clarity, focus, and honoring your intuition.  I can do many exercises now that at the beginning, Jennifer wouldn't even have me do!  I can feel the muscles in more trunk now...they're engaged, they're firing, they're working!
    
    • intuition - when you are directed or impulsed by Spirit through your intuition, listen to it, honor it, do it! The picture is always so much bigger than you think it is, and so the magic, and the miracles are more than you ever imagined also!
      
      • weaving of the split - the 24 year old physical split in my abdominal recti muscles is healing and being healed.  It is now healed up almost to belly button, and coming down from my sternum.
        
        Healing the physical split is mirroring the healing of the energetic split within that has been there since I was a young girl, perhaps I even came in with it.  This dyanamic of a split is a big part of my soul's purpose - I came to heal the split I have experienced on every level of my being - spirit/matter; mind/body; England/America; creative/intellect; masculine/feminine; internal/external; home centered/out in the world; inner/outer...I could go on and on. 
        
        This 100 Day Commitment has been a unifier for me and has served to bring together and integrate the polarities within me.  While supporting the healing of the split, it has simultaneously been bringing together these aspects of myself that have been at war with each other.  Somehow, they are now working in concert together and recognizing the mutuality of their co-existence.
        
        WHOLENESS
      • connection to my core - I know that I am just getting started on truly touching my core.  It's as though it's taken me 100 days to come into the core of things!!  And if you'd ever told me it would take this long, and that I am really only just getting started, I'm not sure I would have ever started (which brings us back to the wisdom of Spirit and guiding us through our intuition!)  This 100 day practice has been a foundation creator and builder.
      • foundation - I now have the strength and the foundation to go into my core and to do the core work!  ha!
      • Self - a recognition that I actually have a Self, and that with this, comes an acceptance of certain degree of "selfishness" or self-centeredness.  WOW!  One of my shadows has been "Selfish" and so I have worked endlessly to NOT be selfish or self-centered in any way.  Hence, no core, no center.  I have come into an acceptance of Self and this demands a certain level of selfish, self-centeredness.  Many times I had to remove myself from the family and inconvenience them, and myself, to exercise that day.  And you know, it was okay.  There was nothing wrong, no harm done, by my taking care of myself.  Fancy that?!
        
      • container - I can physically, and emotionally - feel that my body can now serve me and our path together because it can now provide a container for our work together.  We are working together now!  Before my body always felt like a sieve that energy leaked through, so I'd always be trying to do what I needed to do behind my body's back almost.  I didn't know how to work in partnership with my body.
      • partnership - working together with my body on this journey we're on.  Loving and appreciating its strength, its form, its perfection, and its wisdom.
      • self-love, self-appreciation and self-acceptance - I am developing and deepening a love for myself and my body.  I actually am coming into a deep acceptance of myself, my Self, my gifts, my purpose, and my mission.  Funny right?!  Never would have expected that this 100 Day Commitment would give me these gifts!  What a blessing!
      • anchoring - I am coming in and home to myself, my core, my Self in a quiet, powerful, undramatic way.  It's like I'm experiencing my self in a new way.  It just is.  I just am.  As I type this, big deep relaxing breath.  I am.
      • creativity and manifestation - I am becoming a powerful and potent creative manifestor, and I am able to ride the waves of manifestation in a new, embodied, present way. I am recognizing and accepting myself as a profoundly creative person for the first time.  I am accepting who I am as a magnificent manifestor too!
      • EMBODIMENT - Wow!  I am embodying EMBODIMENT! My theme for 2014 - Embodiment!  I truly believe that it was my taking on and accepting this theme for this year that actually aligned me with the 100 Commitment.  It was the original spark.  And here we are, I am, 100 days later, and I am more in my body, in my being, on my path, than I have ever been.  I am so profoundly humbled and grateful.
      I am so moved and grateful to have been impulsed by Spirit to gift my Self with this 100 Commitment.  The gifts will continue to reveal themselves, as I know I only scratched the surface writing here today.  The picture is so much bigger than I ever could have imagined.  At times I have glimpsed into that picture, and it is so beautiful and divine that I, for a very brief moment, have stood in awe and gratitude for my getting to be a part of this picture.  That Spirit, God, the Universe, cared enough about me to inspire me to take on the 100 Commitment.  As I fully receive this, I breathe deep, fill myself with the love, and relax into that I matter.  I matter.  My body matters.  It matters that I have love and honor my body, and my Self on a daily basis.  The truth is we all matter, every single one of us.  How blessed am I.  How blessed are we. 

So, today I celebrate!  I celebrate completing this 100 Day journey that has given me so much more than I ever could have imagined.  I celebrate with dear sister friends by walking the Mesa Trail on a lovely spring afternoon...getting to walk, be outside, with friends, loving, laughing and celebrating the beautiful gifts of being alive in an amazingly wonderful human body that is also HFTTFS!! 

Solvitur Ambulando!