And if I do keep writing, it become a labor, rather than an authentic expression. I try to be more factual, informational, and erudite. I feel as though I have to bring in sources, examples, and explanations. I then get lost in my own words, and lose the thread of what I am writing about.
Some people in my life have expressed their concern that my writing is too personal, too revealing, too close to home. And so I have removed those pages that have threatened people close to me. I meant no harm in what I wrote, yet it was taken as criticism and blame. I felt so bad that I had written anything that could be construed in such a way to hurt someone that I immediately deleted those posts to "protect" those people who had criticized my writing.
Yet, in the process of protecting and honoring them, I inadvertently shut the door on myself and my sharing through my writing of my journeys - both inner and outer. I can feel the threat of being too personal, too intimate, too immediate, and mostly, too revealing.
So I don't write. Or if I do, I keep it to myself, and put it into files, or the Cloud, so that some day, one day I may use what I have written.
But this is not how I write best. I love to write in blog form. It works for me to feel as though I am writing to someone who may read what I have written. Even as I write this, I realize no one may even read what I have written, and that's okay! This is how I need and want to write, as though someone may read what I write, and hopefully, that they receive a gift of insight, support, example, being able to relate, or a nudge to take the next step on their journey.
So it's time for me to cross the threshold and write. Write, and write some more. To share with you my journey. I can tell you, it's not always smooth and pretty, easy and joyful. The outer pilgrimages I am called to take catalyze a deep inner journey that is, quite honestly, much more difficult and challenging than the outer journey. These inner journeys - the true spiral path - makes the physical pilgrimages look easy in comparison.
I have been home now from my pilgrimage to and around Glastonbury for over two months, and I have never felt so unsettled, challenged, stuck and ill-at-ease within myself. It is very challenging to know how to move forward, to root myself back home with my family when a part of me wants to root over in England, especially in Cornwall and Glastonbury. One foot in each of these sacred places - one foot in Cornwall, the land of my father and his Celtic ancestors; the other foot in Glastonbury and the land of my mother and her ancestors.
Instead of moving forward, I am actually being called down and in. Believe me, I have tried to move forward. On to the next thing. The next pilgrimage. The next class. The next offering. And the only place I feel any resonance with is down and in. So I am going on an inner journey to meet my Self. Down on a journey of descent to meet and connect with my soul.
Nothing has worked to go forward. The only direction that has any pull for me is down. So when a Facebook friend invited her friend to join her on a 21 Day Sadhana journey to meet the Dark Goddess, I knew my answer was yes. Filled with trepidation and wondering if my naiveté was getting the better of me, I still knew that my answer was a wholehearted, full-bodied yes. And as I began my journey with her and her small group, I came across an amazing book called Journey to the Dark Goddess - How to Return to Your Soul by Jane Meredith.
In this rich book, Meredith outlines the map of the journey to the Dark Goddess, with its Preparation, Descent, Being In, Ascent and Integration. I knew that this book and even the 21 day sadhana were providing me with the container, directions and map for a journey that I have resisted my whole life. It is as though I have been stuck at the threshold for as long as I can remember, terrified to take the step in and down into the darkness of my own being.
Before I left for England in June, I had a Soul Fire Session with Sera Beak www.serabeak.com. The essence of the gift I received from this session was that I had to put as much time into planning and mapping my inner journey as I do my outer pilgrimages, and journey to my inner sacred sites.
And so here I am, nearly six months later, being presented and invited into a descent that I had no idea at the time I would take. Even now, as I begin my preparations for this inner journey, I feel a lightness and a rightness to go down and meet the Dark Goddess. A lightness that supports and holds me as I prepare to descend into the darkness. The paradox - the gift from Spirit that confirms the next step in front of me to take.
This is what I have to write about…this journey into the unknown, the unknowable. And to write authentically, personally, and intimately, I have to risk being too personal, too intimate, too immediate. Please bear with me as I risk this, for in this journey, I will find my voice. Wow. Divine typo just happened. As I typed "voice", the word "void" appeared. As I write, I will find my void and emerge through it with my wholeness.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for allowing me this space to share my journey with you.
With love In love As Love For Love.