I am currently enrolled in a 40 Day process called Awakened Wealth.  Loving the class and all that it is awakening in me.

Yesterday as I was stepping into creating the upcoming Cornwall pilgrimage program, I felt some familiar fears come up as the pricing for this journey became clear.  My shadow of being selfish, greedy, self-serving, uncaring came up with a vengeance...and thanks to this class, I actually have a process to work with that allows us to first become conscious of our sabotaging shadows, and then to receive their gifts and integrate them.  Notice I didn't say get rid of.  Thank goodness.  Because whenever I have tried to get rid of the parts of myself, they come back with even more strength and control anyway.

As I worked with this very persistent shadow, I noticed that this is what comes up when ever I do anything for myself, on any level, whether it's to know what I want, to give myself time alone away from others, to ask for what I need, or even want.  In order to prove that I am not a selfish, greedy, needy, self-serving person, I am then always going out of my way to be there for others, to know what what they want (sometimes even before they do) and make sure that their needs/desires are met.  Over the years, and especially when I was a young girl, I chose to ignore my self to the extent that I lost my self out of always being there for others.  Somehow, I got the message and reinforcement that this how I would be safe, loved and cared for was to put others before, make sure that all of their needs and desires are met, and only then could I think of myself.  Challenge was, of course, that my job of taking care of others was never done, so it never got to the point that I could be here for myself.  I figured out how to do things in the right way according to other's people's way of doing things, such as dressing, what to study, how to happy doing what others did, how to want what I had figured out to want.  In the process, I split wide open, let her go and actually lost connection with myself.  I have spent my adult years working hard to find that little girl again.  Who would have thought that I would fully reconnect with her here in the Awakened Wealth class, where we awaken by integrating our shadows that have been running the show.  To awaken to the light and to the truth, one must be willing to see and love the shadows!!

The gift of being self-less was that I was very concerned with others and what was best for them, so I supported others to know what they wanted, and how to fulfill their dreams.   I look at my kids being such clear models of young adults who are deeply connected to their creativity and are making life choices to follow their dreams and live their passions!  My oldest is in a successful band that is currently on the second tour of the season.  My daughter is an amazing artist who is a Studio Art Major in college with a minor in Education and Social Justice.  My younger son is gay and came out when he was only 13.  He lives true to himself and is quite flamboyant.  My youngest daughter, at nearly 13, is a dancer and a singer who sings and dances all the time!  I am so grateful that my self-lessness has supported my 4 kids to be their authentic, creative, expansive selves.  This is a true gift of my shadow.  Thank you.

When I asked what the lesson and gifts are now, my Shadow said that the time is now for me to re-balance the imbalance.  I have completed a contract of supporting my kids to be deeply rooted and connected in their core selves.  Truth be told, I have actually been vigilant about this for them.  I am so getting as I type that this was the deal on a soul level.  I had to lose myself so that I could give my kids the gift of knowing, loving and accepting themselves unconditionally.  That was more than worth it.  And now it's time to come back to me.  Because I also have a deep desire to serve beyond my family and children, and I cannot serve without taking care of and honoring my self first.  No Self - no true service.  True service comes from the heart, and giving from my fullness, through my gifts.  It's along the lines of that quote I heard a few years ago by Harold Thurman -

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

How can I know what makes me come alive, if I am not connected to my self and do not allow or acknowledge my desires or deepest yearnings?

The truth is that I cannot be a channel for infinite good and contribution when I am not connected to self.  This is the paradox.  I actually must be self-centered to contribute in a way that actually transforms our world and planet and infuses it with infinite love.  Otherwise, what I can offer and give is finite.  From my very limited and finite perspective of trying to figure and know for others and the outer world what is needed, I can only give and support in a finite and limited way.  It is actually way more selfish as I actually think that I can know what is being called for, rather than open and receive the truth in any situation.  My ego, fears and concerns actually filter what I can know about any situation.  Since it is all about me and my filter, what I contribute is a drop in the bucket, and a murky, muddy drop.  From this perspective, I may think I know what they need to feel "better" but I am unaware of what they truly need and are asking for.   I stop the flow with thinking and acting as if I know better what is needed for someone, when actually I remain blinded by my own needs and fears, and am acting only from self preservation and protection.

However, when I am connected to Self, I am connected to Source.  When I am in connection with Source/God/Spirit/Divine, I am infinite, and what I contribute comes from an infinite well. I can be an open, clear and loving channel.  How I can truly serve as a channel of infinite good and abundance, is to be a channel for their good.  I can only be a channel when my core is intact and engaged, and opens up like a clear tube to allow the infinite to flow through me.

To be the contribution I am committed to being, I actually have to be self-centered and self-serving.  I have to know what I want and honor it; I get to celebrate my deepest desires and longings; I have to know and cultivate my gifts and talents, and offer them.  I get to radiate who I am as a unique expression of Spirit.  From this place of loving, honoring and expressing myself, I get to truly contribute and serve.

The paradox of Self.  Only when I have Self can I give my Self away.

Yesterday morning I was asked this question:

Hey Sarah! Recently I have been trying to get in much better shape and I was trying to do something similar to what you're doing of a 100 days but I wanted to ask you how do you stay motivated to get out and do something after a long day? Thanks!

I knew that I could whip off an answer, but this question became an invitation to explore and write about some thoughts I have been having around this very issue.

My 100 Day Commitment to Exercise has become a sacred container that holds and supports me to be my word and my commitment, by giving to myself through daily acts of self-love through exercise.  This container has lifted me out of my "normal" daily living and has given me a context and a focus for my day that I didn't have in this way before. I now wake up in the morning and one of my first thoughts is, "I wonder how and when I will exercise today?"  This gives me a structure to my day that then supports my whole day to unfold, be lived from and expressed from a committed, purposeful and self-loving place.

I wonder how that may contribute to a life well lived!

First a little background:

On January 12th, 10 weeks ago today, I was on Facebook and came across a post about a 350+ pound woman who wanted to lose weight and get in better shape, and so chose to take on a 100 Day Challenge to exercise every day.  I was reading her story and watching a video, when I thought to myself, "well, if she can do that, I certainly can too."  As I had this thought, I also experienced an intuitive knowing that I was to take this on, for real.  It was like an instant download with the whole idea coming to me in a split second.  I immediately knew what and how I needed to do it.  I still went to the the 100daychallenge website, and while I so appreciated what they were doing and the support they offered, it was clear that I didn't want to sign up with them. 

My accountability would be a daily post on Facebook, and that to "count" as exercise for the day that it would have to be something that was not walking.  Oh, I could still walk, but it wouldn't fulfill my commitment to exercise every day for 100 days.  Walking is easy for me, I love walking, I will always walk (as long as I am able) and even if I miss a few days, or even weeks, I will always come back to walking.  It is in my bones. 

This is not so true with stretching, strengthening, yoga, Pilates, dance - anything that would have me connect to my core, abdominal muscles.  I have avoided all forms of these exercises as much as possible. And so of course, this was an essential condition to fulfill my 100 Day Challenge - I had to do exercises/exercising that I typically would avoid.

In this moment of the instant download, I felt excited, nervous, clear and committed.  I also knew that it was exactly what I needed to take on - for all the obvious reasons, but I was also aware that there were many reason beyond what I was aware of. 

To back up a few weeks, I had received and taken on a year long, one word intention - EMBODIMENT - as my new year theme.  I knew that 2014 would be the year of embodiment for me.  I had no idea what or how it would look like.  And here it was, showing up in my 100 Day Commitment to move my body every day.  

I spent the rest of that Sunday afternoon allowing the reality of what I had committed to to permeate my being.  I went to the local recreation center website, I looked at the drop-in class schedule (I resist going to classes like these).  I looked at private clubs and businesses that offered specific forms of exercise - Pilates, Cross Training.

Immediately, all of my resistance and shame came up.  I hate going to gyms.  I hated all of what I was on the verge of taking on.  Doing "exercise" like this immediately brings up shame for me - and self-judgment, beating myself up for being weak, imbalanced, unable to do things that everyone else can do easily, uncoordinated, stupid.  If I did go to a yoga class, or whatever, I would spend the whole time comparing myself to others, and beat myself up for not being able to do this, or being weak and pathetic.  I'd leave the class feeling so much worse about myself, and usually would not go back.  If I did go back, it would only be from sheer will for at most another one or two classes.

I have spent most of my nearly 55 years AVOIDing my body and exercising.  I have experienced such deep pain, shame, blame, and hate when I move my body that it's been easier to just avoid it. Much easier just to walk. The crazy part of this avoid-dance is that the shame and self-blame were all still there within me, but just below the surface where I wouldn't have to be aware of them every moment.

I knew that this shame had stopped me so many times and that it would hijack this 100 Day commitment if I let it, so I gave myself full permission to move slowly, and to find ways to exercise that would support me to fulfill my commitment to exercise for 100 days.  I knew that I couldn't go to a yoga class full of younger yogini-types, or even a Pilates class, where I would get "blown out" and never return.  So I chose to start at two different classes at the rec center - one a "Fitness for Life" class and the other was a swim/fitness class.  These are fitness classes for "older" people.  I am the youngest person in the Fitness for Life class.  The swim class I am no longer doing - I really didn't like getting wet in a pool of cool water when I could look outside and see snow!  I also had a wonderful DVD's series at home that I had never used - Fitness for the 50 Plus Body for Aerobics, Flexibility and Strengthening.  These DVD's have been such a resource for me to exercise at home.

I honestly felt that this 100 Day Commitment created a container that has been holding me and providing me with some amazing and unexpected support.

The instructor for both classes at the Rec Center was the same person, Jennifer.  I call Jennifer my "Exercise Angel." She is the most lovely, experienced fitness instructor I have even taken class with.  She teaches with such ease that you can feel her 30 years of experience and knowledge in every exercise she has us do.  She is seamless in her teaching, gentle in her approach and totally accepting of every one in her classes.  She is also the embodiment of being fit, trim, and toned at 60 years old without being hard, or coming off as a hard-core, non-accepting person.  Jennifer warmly welcomed me as I walked in for my firs class and asked if there was anything she should be aware of about my body.

I immediately shared with her about the "split" down my abdominus recti muscles, which she immediately said that she had experienced that too.    This split has been my excuse, my challenge, the grist for my mill, my opportunity for healing on every level of my being.  It has also been the cause for my inability and unwillingness to exercise, and the physical reason for my feeling so weak, powerless and ineffective when it comes to exericse and moving my body.  Over the years, I have become a master at compensating for the split, and using my hips, back, shoulders, neck - basically, any muscles but my abdominals to move my body, but I could never get strong, or toned.  My belly was always still soft, jelly-like, weak and unsupportive.

I have laughed that I even got fired from a Pilates instructor because I couldn't do what she was asking me to do.  Truth be told, I was her client to support her certification process and I wasn't able to do the exercises that she had to do for her certification.  I actually needed something more basic than what she could offer in those sessions.  I knew this, but this scenario still fueled my whole story of being too weak to exercise.

Back to Jennifer.  Her demeanor, welcoming me so warmly, and her asking about and being aware of the "split" and working so easily with me, even in a class full of people, created an invitation for me to keep returning to the class.  I got to do exercises in a room of 60 to 80 year olds, who were showing up for this class in spite of knee issues, hip surgeries, shoulder challengs.  If they could show up, so could I.  Also, I knew deep within me that I want to be moving when I am "older".  Guess what?  I am becoming "older" now, and knew that I had better get in the game, or else I would really become an older person and not be able to move.

I have learned that I am easily intimidated when it comes to my body and moving it in any way.  Ok, the truth is that I am easily intimidated by anything or anyone I perceive as doing/being it better than me.  I compare and contrast myself in many situations, and most especially when it comes to my body.  I am also aware that being intimidated is one of my excuses for avoiding and no longer participating or engaging in something or with someone.  If I feel any level of intimidation, I back out, go away and avoid at all costs.  That has been my game plan.  The problem is that the costs include me not living my life to the fullest or even being able to fulfill my purpose for being here.  The costs have gotten too huge.

So, I made a commitment to be gentle with myself, to allow myself to not have to do every exercise at maximum capacity.  To show up.  To listen to and receive Jennifer's coaching and guidance.  To focus on bringing my core muscles into every movement, even if I didn't know how, or didn't think I could. To be aware of when I feel intimidated, notice it, and to stay engaged.  For 100 days, anyway.

And here I am, 10 weeks later, doing exercises that I couldn't do 10 weeks ago, and that Jennifer wouldn't even ask me to do.  I love this class and I love the people in it.  I may be the youngest person in the class, but I am learning "fitness for life."  Also, what has started to happen over the past week or so, is that Jennifer is adapting exercises for me, and having me do more or differently from the others.  And, as a result, I am experiencing a competency and strength that is new for me.  I am blossoming in this class, and every day am aware of being able to do something that I couldn't before!

All because I have been willing to show up EVERY day and exercise. 

Even when it's 11:30 at night and I still have to exercise that day.  Even when I'm tired.  So, here's back up to the original question.  How do you stay motivated to get out and do something after a long day?

I stay motivated because I made a 100 Day Commitment to myself - no matter what.  If I can do anything for 100 days, then I can do anything.  I can be anything.  And I made this commitment because of something within me.  It may have been inspired from something outside of me, but the commitment and decision came from INSIDE of me.  It wasn't a "should" or something that would be good for me to do, or "that sounds like a good idea."  It was a knowing and alignment that came from deep within me that this was mine to take on, fully.  It wasn't like "Ok, now I have this theme for 2014 called Embodiment.  Perhaps I should exercise every day...I know, I should do it for 100 days.  That sounds like a good idea." 

It was more like this.

I have chosen and committed to EMBODIMENT for my theme of 2014.  Ok, I wonder how that may show up in my life.  I am curious about what it feels like to be embodied.  I am curious about how I can step into embodiment.  What does my body want to become embodied?  What would serve embodiment?

Or it could be that you have a commitment to be HFTTFS  - Healthy, Fit, Trim, Toned, Flexible & Strong!

What would it look like to be HFTTFS?   What would be the most fun, best ways for me to be HFTTFS?

• Get clear on your commitment - from the inside out.  No shoulds.  No have to's.  Feel into what you and your body want.  What aligns with you, your purpose, your desires?
  
• Commit to it.  Make a decision.
• Be clear about what exactly the commitment is...how long, what actions you need to take.  It may be more about the process than the product. 
  
• Ask questions about how to fulfill this commitment.  Receive the answers.*
  
• Listen to the ideas.  Write down a List of 25 ways. Or even 100 Ways to....
  
• Be open to your intuition giving you very clear and specific ways to step into this.  It may not seem like it has anything to do with your commitment.  Trust it anyway.
• Do it!  And if you slip up and forget to do it, then do it again anyway!
  
• Create a system of accountability,  with a friend or group, on Facebook, whatever works for you.
• Create a plan for celebration when you complete and fulfill your commitment
  

As I write this, it comes down to this...when we do anything - for it to be sustainable, it has to come from within ourselves.  It has to resonate on an internal level, in our body, with our spirit, so that all of our forces can align with and support what we are up to.  Otherwise, it's just another good idea, the latest greatest plan to achieve whatever it is in that moment. 

Allow yourself to become very clear on who you are, what you truly desire, and what you're up to in this life.

*Ask questions!  Ask lots and lots of questions! Ask questions that invite an opening up to what can totally support and expand you.  Don't answer the questions from what you already know.  ALLOW the answers to come to you.

Here are some great questions:

What do I really want?
What moves me with excitement and possibility?
How does my body love to me?  What brings it joy?
What is my body asking for?
What would serve me to live my greatest life?  How can my body support this? 
What will it take for my body to be fully engaged?
What will it take for my body to feel healthy, alive, fit, trim, toned, flexible and strong?
What would my life, my body, Me look like, feel like, be like when I fulfill my commitment?
    Dream into this, expand into this...allow this to infuse and inform your daily actions.
What is the best way to hold myself accountable?


These are just some suggestions, but a few to get you started.  And when you receive the answers, play with them.  Trust them.  Try them on for size.  And when one comes along and you just know that is exactly what you need to do, from the inside out with every cell of your being, even or especially when it seems a little crazy and you feel butterflies at the thought of it, commit to it with 100% of your being, and DO it, BE it and LOVE it!  Hold yourself accountable in a fun, supportive way.

And do it because you gave your word.  It's not about the outcome.  It's about showing up for yourself, as yourself.  You are the one who chose to do this, and said you would do it.  No one else.  No one made you do it.  So love and honor yourself by being your word.  To yourself. To your body.  To your life.

And love who you become in the process!  You will not be the same person who started out.  You will also not be who you thought you would become.  You will be even more, even better.  Even mo' betta!!!

Enjoy!

If you would like any support and guidance, please feel free to post a comment or contact me directly!

Life is so rich and full right now...the deep inner journey in February has sourced the seeds that are coming forth, even through the snow and cold.  Feeling so blessed.

Yesterday we walked the New Moon, New Month, New Opportunities Labyrinth Walk at the Gaiam Labyrinth in Louisville.  This has to be my most favorite labyrinth in Boulder County.  It is an 11 circuit labyrinth that has a very earth, feminine quality to it, and at the same time, has a singular. masculine stone standing in the middle.  It reminds me of an ancient circle of stones with its balance and integration of the masculine and feminine energies.

Here are some images from yesterday's magical, mystical walk.

This special labyrinth has a sacred geometric symbol at its threshold - the seed of life.  I first connected with this symbol on my 2012 pilgrimage in France from St. Jean Pied de Port through the foothills of the Pyrenees to the city of Auch.  My Pilgrim Sister, Beebe, and I encountered this symbol many times - on church entrances, gate posts, and synchronistically, on Beebe's necklace. 

The Seed of Life contains the patterns of creation as they emerged from the void, out of nothingness and everythingness at the same time.  Out of that centerpoint, thoughts and ideas emerge through our passions and desires to become something.  It is from here that all creation originates and emerges from our desires.

The dark moon was at 1 am, so all day yesterday we were informed by the potent powers of the new emerging moon.  Also the first day of the new month, it was the perfect opportunity to open up to, invite and receive what desire is asking to come through us, right now at this time.  We walked with powerful questions such as "What is asking to come through me right now?  What seed, what desire I am seeking that is seeking me?  What is wanting to be birthed through me?  After all, as Rumi says, "what we seek, is seeking us."

As all six of us walked the labyrinth, allowing our intentions and the questions to walk us, I was struck by the dance we created as we walked.  Every time I walk a labyrinth with a group of people I am in awe of the spontaneous dance that is created by each of us as we weave in and out along the pathways.  At times, I would walk along side by side, parallel paths.  At other times, I would approach some one at the same time that our paths would curve away from each other.  Sometimes, we would approach and look each other in the eyes, acknowledging our fellow pilgrims.  At others, we would walk with our eyes averted, each in our own world on our own journey.  Ah.  The sacred, unrepeatable, unique dance of the labyrinth.  It is a gift in and of itself.

We stood together in silence in the center of the labyrinth, each of us standing in a petal of the inner rose.  We then walked out and continued our sacred walk into the open space to the north of labyrinth.  We asked to receive a gift from Nature that would symbolize and hold the desire we received in the labyrinth.  We took a "secret" path that took us out of the park, over a wooden stile and into a small woods.  We then came out on to a lookout over Boulder Valley.  No longer protected by the trees, the cold breeze blew through us and we actually invited this element to open up a new space that would become the sacred container to receive, and cultivate the seed of life.  We returned to the labyrinth, and walked it again.  Leaving our gifts from Nature at the threshold surrounding the Seed of Life symbol, we walked this time to plant the seed, commit to its growth and cultivation. With this sacred walk, we planted the seeds of Integration, Faith, Being Seen, Beauty, Release, and Cultivation.  We spoke it aloud, knowing that we had received a potent seed of creation, with the power of an oak tree. 

What are you seeking?  What is seeking you?  What is needing to you step in and allow yourself to know that you are the only person who can bring this seed to life?  That you are its container, and that through you, and only you, this unique seed can become the beautiful flower that it was meant to be.  I wonder's what's possible for our world, our lives as we each step in and receive the Seeds of Life and live our lives to nurture and create these seeds?  How beautiful will your flowers be?!

This new path is very different from the old path.  Oh, it may look the same.  A well trodden earthen path beneath my feet that others have walked before me.  But somehow the path has changed.  It is no longer a path outlined in front of me, with a map to follow.  The path has become deeply personal, intimate and has no external map, no external path.

To walk this path I must be willing to listen to my heart, feel my body, be open to guidance.  I must be impeccable and discerning.  One step I may be on the path, the next step not.  How will I know?  How will I be able to be this impeccable and present to the presence of the Path? 

Oh, I am getting that this is a not a vacation pilgrimage...one led by the ego that says "I am a pilgrim!  Yippee!  Aren't I wonderful?"  This is a pilgrimage of the soul and heart...one that demands that I pay attention, listen, honor, relate, connect - to my Self, to the Earth, to Spirit, to the Path - to what is being asked of me, to come through me, to where I place my next step.

This is the pilgrimage of the warrior.

Gulp.

Who is a warrior?  What is a warrior?  Why a warrior?

Last week, I came across this picture on a post on Facebook, from Inner Solace.  As soon as I saw it, I knew that it was a gift for me to receive...BE A WARRIOR OF YOUR OWN LIFE AND THRIVE! 

I knew that it was a quality, a beingness that was developing and emerging from me as I showed up everyday in my 100 Day Exercise Challenge.  I also knew that it was a quality that somehow I was familiar with - the Warrior doesn't feel foreign to me, but at the same time, I didn't know that she was even available to me or that I could access her.  Even more, I didn't even know she existed within me before I received this powerful invitation to "BE THE WARRIOR". 

I took on this 100 Day Exercise Challenge 44 days ago when again, I saw a post on Facebook and somehow I just knew that this was exactly what I needed to do...felt it in my bones and belly.  My intention for 2014 is "EMBODIMENT" and it was an intuitive knowing extending from this intention that caused me to step in and commit to exercising my body every day for 100 days.  I can walk as well, but walking doesn't count as my exericise.  I love walking, will always walk, and it's not my edge.  Exercising - toning, stretching, strengthening, feeling - my body is my edge and challenge.  I've avoided it for as long as I can remember.  I've even realized over the course of the past 43 days that I get easily intimidated around my body and exercise and that my response/reaction to intimidation is to pull out, avoid and disregard the intimidator. Exercise, and feeling intimidated, uncoordinated, weak, clumsy, stupid have all been lumped together for me, so   I haven't really exercised since well, let me put it this way, a really, really long time.  Done some half hearted stuff, but nothing with a clear commitment and container like this.

Oops.  Got interrupted writing this blog a few days ago.  I am going to post this as is right now, knowing that this exploration will be an ongoing.  Today is the new moon, new month, new season (almost!), and new opportunities!  Wondering what it will take for my emerging Inner Warrior to get me out in the heavy spring snow to walk the Gaiam labyrinth under the new moon as an invitation to connect with her deepest dreams and sacred visions?

Want to join me?  Today, 1pm in Louisville.  It's free.  Here's the link for more info. 

Solvitur Ambulando!