Just posted a dark picture from my walk home tonight on a wet and rainy night.  I stopped off at the labyrinth at St. John's Church as I walked home by myself on wet, reflective streets.  I had been out with my brother, Nick, and his wife, Karin, my sister, Tori, and her husband, Bob, and my husband, Steve for our traditional adults-only night out at the Rio for margaritas and Mexican food.  Great marts, good food, and lots of fun and laughter together.  Loved being with them, and then also knew that at a certain point, I was ready to go home.  Typically, they have gone to another bar to play games and have a beer.  From my past experience, this has been when I crash and burn, and realize that I should not have continued to join in the fun.  Bars, beers and games are just not my scene.

So, tonight, I turned to a new chapter in my Book of Life, and instead of going down the same street with the same hole in it, I chose to not go down the street, and to walk home instead.  I chose to trust and honor myself, rather than just go along with the group and the crowd.  I also chose to not feel wrong or guilty for my choice.  Sad, yes.  But for the first time, I did not feel guilty.   I know that I deeply honored myself and what was in my highest good.  And I live by the adage that "What is in the highest good of one is in the highest good of all."  Somehow, if it was best for me, it also must be best for them.

So...here I sit, sharing with you.  I walked the wet labyrinth for honoring my choice and for the clarity and courage to continue to walk my path, especially when it diverges from the path of my family members.  These moments when we get to make choices for ourselves show up in our daily lives, in instances like this.  Do I stay or do I go?  Do I honor myself and walk home alone in the rain (by the way, I could have taken the bus!) or do I stay with the group and follow the crowd, even when the crowd is small and familiar?  Or especially when the crowd is small and is my family?

Tonight, I chose to honor myself, and while there were aspects that felt scary and even threatening to the status quo, I know that walk MY path...and listen to myself.  To honor and love myself while still honoring and loving my family members.  I hope that they're having a great time!  Truly.  And I am looking foward to going to bed and getting a good, long nights sleep!!

Solvitur Ambulando!

Never have a defeatist attitude no matter how difficult things may appear to be on the surface. Empty yourselves of that little self, so you can be infilled with My divine Love and Light. How can I fill you with the gifts of the Spirit when you are so full of the little self there is no room for them. Rededicate yourselves to Me and to My service NOW, and see the most wonderful changes take place not tomorrow but right NOW, in this ever present glorious NOW.

2 August 2013

It's now been a week since I've written.  I felt very exposed and vulnerable in what I was writing and sharing, and needed to pull back. Plus, the process of being sick and not feeling well catalyzed a deep healing process within me that also involved some of my shadow coming out from its hidden recesses to reveal itself.  Such a gift actually, because I've gotten to see those aspects of myself and my behaviors that are not so pretty, and that I've tried to ignore and pretend aren't there. 

First resentment revealed itself...a low grade, but persistent resentment that has permeated much of my being.  Naming that took courage and a willingness to tell myself some deep and hard truth.

Then powerlessness showed up...uninvited I might add!  Yet there it was, pulling me down into its clutches and gripping me in hopelessness and futility.

All week, I've been up and down, swinging back and forth between clarity and despondency.  This is very unusual behavior for me, and my world has felt very unsteady and uneasy.  Somehow it's all part of my returning to my life here with my family after walking a sacred pilgrimage that has shifted dynamics within me on a fundamental and cellular level.  What I got by with before no longer works, and those beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve are coming up to the surface to be revealed and released. 

The challenge has been that I became very lost in the stuff and identified by it. I forgot that I am not it.  It's as though the fears and concerns were fighting for their lives and were not going to give up easily.  They had me in their grips really believing that I was not worthy of any of my dreams, or that I even could make a difference or a contribution.

Thank goodness I've been enrolled in Marianne Williamson's course called "The Divine Alignment of Body and Soul" - talk about perfect timing. In the Course of Miracles, all of our challenges come down to one thing - our separation from God.  It's that simple, and all there is to do is to give over our challenges, thoughts, concerns, everything - over to God, and to re-connect with God.  So despite my desire to pull away even further and slip unnoticed into deeper isolation, I chose to hand it all over to God.  Because certainly what I was doing wasn't working.  I turned it over to God, and to Mary, Michael, and St. Sarah, my personal saint, who is there for me even if I don't always believe it or know how to access her.

And something shifted.  I woke up at 2:45 in the morning a couple of nights ago, and felt a creative clarity and an aliveness within me that I had not experienced in a while.  And I decided that I was going to take some steps forward to create sacred walks for myself and others.  I began the design on my Chakra Walks, I looked at the calendar for 2014 for pilgrimages in England and Spain, and I created my Nordic Walking class series.  Baby steps, next steps.  My friend, Richard, from the Mary Michael Pilgrims Way - www.marymichaelpilgrimsway.org - organization in England, shared this poem with me by David Whyte - and I chose to receive its wisdom and start close in.

START CLOSE IN

Start close in,
don't take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step you don't want to take.

Start with
the ground
you know,
the pale ground
beneath your feet,
your own
way of starting
the conversation.

Start with your own
question,
give up on other
people's questions,
don't let them
smother something
simple.

To find
another's voice
follow
your own voice,
wait until
that voice
becomes a
private ear
listening
to another.

Start right now
take a small step
you can call your own
don't follow
someone else's
heroics, be humble
and focused,
start close in,
don't mistake
that other
for your own.

Start close in,
don't take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,

the step you don't want to take.

Today, the core of my struggles and challenges revealed itself to be named - SHAME.  As I named it, I knew that this is what has been underneath it all - including the resentment and powerlessness.  Shame has caused me to separate from my Self, from God, my dreams and desires, my path, and my love and acceptance of myself.  I could see and feel it so clearly.  And the antidote is simple.  To choose self love and acceptance.  

Every time I feel the sensation of implosion and contraction in my body, I can choose to be aware that this is how I experience shame coming in to take over the show.  I can name it, and in doing so, I can choose something different.  I can choose self-love and self-acceptance.  Simple.  Perhaps not always easy.  

This is my starting with the ground beneath my feet, starting with what I know - my body.  My body never lies and I know this sensation all too well.  I now know if I allow the implosion to implode that shame will once again have me in its grip.  And even in the midst of this hell-hole, I can still choose to remember that I have a choice, and choose self love and acceptance.  That's what this past 2 weeks have taught me - that no matter what, I can always turn it over to God, and in doing so, reconnect with Spirit, with the divine, and in turn, with my Self.  That's what this journey is all about - reconnecting with my Self so that I can love my Self, all of me, and fully accept all of who I am.  From this place of love and acceptance, I can honor my dreams and desires, and get to contribute all of me to being of the highest service.  

It's such a paradox isn't it?  For me to fully be of contribution and service to others and creating Heaven on Earth, I actually have to fully love and accept my Self.  And to fully love and accept mySelf is at the same time being in full connection with the Divine and all that is.  

And if this is true for me, I know that this is true for others too.  That my journey is a mirror and invitation for others to connect with and love themselves profoundly so that they too may walk their path of contribution and service from a place of wholeness, connection, and self love.

It's almost midnight on 8-0-1.  I am so grateful for this journey I am on, for the sacred pilgrimage paths that have initiated me onto a path of evolutionary transformation that is aligning with my soul's mission and purpose.  Everything that does not serve my true purpose is being revealed and released from my being.  I am so grateful.  I am so blessed.